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Monday, 1 October 2007

If I was reborn a man .......

If I was reborn a man what would I do? Lets see, there's so much to choose from

I would sit on my arse all weekend playing on my mobile/PSP while my wife is run ragged cleaning and looking after the children, because 'I've been at work all week!'

I would come home from said work at 7pm and ask. 'What have you been doing all day, sitting on that computer?'

I would take any suggestion that things might be done other then my way a personal attack

I would drop my socks and pants by the side of the bed, not the wash basket and then ask. 'Why don't I have any clean socks or pants?'

I would wait until 9pm in the evening to hand my wife my jeans and announce that I need them. 'Washed and dried by the morning!'

I would refuse to change nappies, even just wet ones because I. 'can't handle that sort of thing.'

I would bounce my daughter on my knee for the total of 30 minutes each evening and then call myself a parent.

I would ignore my screaming daughter in the same room while my wife is desperately trying to get the washing up done then with out getting off my arse shout out to the kitchen 'what's wrong wiv er?'

I will at about 5:30 am while my wife is trying to grab a sneaky 30 minute nap on the sofa bring in my gurgling daughter, place her on the floor and then bugger off back to bed for at least another two hours.

After having said two hour lay in I will get up in a foul mood with a stinking headache and blame it on everyone else because they couldn't keep quiet enough while running around on eggshells all morning.

I would while my wife is trying to grab a nap insist on either talking to her or getting her to watch the ever interesting shows such as Pimp My Ride, American Chopper and Over'auling.

I would be greatly insulted if my said wife at that time did not hang on my every word.

I would sulk over everything and anything

I would have frequent outbursts of opinion that bare no basis in the real world!

I would at every opportunity open my mouth in public and leave no one in any doubt that I am actually that daft and my wife is only with me out of pity for all of mankind.

I would regularly bugger off up the pub to see my mates even though the last time my wife left the house without a child in tow was to have her wisdom teeth removed.

I would ask my wife. 'Are you all right?' 50 million times while she is 'trying' to watch the TV and then accuse her of being snappy when she says YES! for the 50 millionth time.

I would have complete control of the TV remote as my wife would much rather watch Stargate SG-1 again then the new episodes of How Clean Is Your House?

I would complain that the pets stink, but not offer to help do anything about it.

I would order in loads of greasy take away food to thoughtfully spare my wife from cooking and then moan that I have bad guts while farting loudly and smelling bad. Then not satisfied with gassing the house I would complain that my wife's cooking must be making me fat.

I would snore loud enough to keep the whole house awake and then when I eventually wake myself up I will accuse my wife of snoring.

I would phone my wife 50 million times while I'm at work and then wonder why she never finds the time to do the housework.

I would make a career out of stating the damned oblivious and pontificating.

I would also during every conversation drop in the sentence 'Come and suck my willy will you.'

When my wife asks me what I want for dinner I will say. 'whatever, I'm not fussed.' or 'whatever you cook darling will be alright. Only to say when she has slaved away in the kitchen a presented my dinner. 'But I didn't want that.' or 'I don't fancy that.'

Ball my socks up and stuff them down the side of the sofa. Then I would wonder why the hell none of my socks get washed.

Put empty bottles/jars/boxes and packets back in the cupboard/fridge/anywhere so that when my wife looks to see what shopping we need she thinks we still have all that stuff.

Expect my wife to magically know that I have taken money out of the account as well as expecting her to magically know at any given time what has been paid or is due to come out.

I would also expect my wife to remember all of MY family's birthdays and special occasions. I will also expect her to buy cards, presents, wrap them and then I would take all the credit.

I would accuse my wife of using my razor even though she waxes.

I would never EVER take it upon myself to rinse out a used cup/glass to make another drink I would always use another clean cup/glass because after all I don't have to do the mountains of washing up

When ever I was suffering from a toothache/headache/cold it would automatically be 10 times worse then any toothache/headache/cold that my wife and children have ever suffered form and would require me to announce so frequently while making a song and dance about having to go to bed because I steadfastly refuse to take any tablets and just get on with it.

I would also lead a charmed life.

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