Ana has such an unblemised innocence that she really does come out with some gems. I thought I was doing an injustice by keeping them to myself. So here are the ones I remember . Enjoy!
In town talking to Ana about what we had to do that morning.
Me: First we have to go to the Post Office, then the bank and then Iceland.
Ana: How are we getting there, by bus or train?
Me: Iceland the shop, not the country.
Ana's school are doing food from around the world for school dinners, last week was food from Asia and they were having Indian Curry.
Me: Are you looking forward to your Indian dinner at school?
*Ana starts making a whooping noise like a native american*
Me: Not that kind of Indian, people from India.
Ana: Will there be any cowboys there?
Whilst passing a rope swing some local kids had made in a tree with a loop at the end about 3 inches off the floor.
Ana: *gasp* Someone was hanged here!
While walking through a local graveyard Ana trod on a twig that snapped
Ana: *gasp* I just trod on a BONE!
I was talking to Ana about ages as her next birthday is the big 1 0 I told her that 10 is double figures and when she gets to 13 she will be a teenager until she is 20 and then she will be an adult.
'What will I be when I am 100?' asks Ana
'Really, really old.' I say. 'Anyway most people don't live to a hundred.'
She looked at me and said. 'Are you going to try?'
Monday, 26 November 2007
Thursday, 15 November 2007
Curse you Neigh, My Little Pony from Hell. Curse you!
Curse you Neigh, My Little Pony from Hell. Curse You!
Innocent looking lump of pink plastic and matted blue hair. Curse you!
You lay there looking inert, in-adamant, but I know the dark sinister truth. You rule my very existence!
Without you I would not have an ounce of peace or blissful sleep. For without you, Neigh Neigh, Pugpoo couldn't possibly sleep or get through the day without twiddling and stroking your nylon hair.
I watch you as you lay there discarded on the floor with an evil twinkle in your fake jeweled eye. Your time will come my friend, your time will come!
Innocent looking lump of pink plastic and matted blue hair. Curse you!
You lay there looking inert, in-adamant, but I know the dark sinister truth. You rule my very existence!
Without you I would not have an ounce of peace or blissful sleep. For without you, Neigh Neigh, Pugpoo couldn't possibly sleep or get through the day without twiddling and stroking your nylon hair.
I watch you as you lay there discarded on the floor with an evil twinkle in your fake jeweled eye. Your time will come my friend, your time will come!
Dear Family, is this have a go at me day?
Dear Family, is this have a go at me day?
Because I have clearly missed the memo.
Dear Husband,
You are a big boy now, left home and everything. You're 36 not 6 years old, please act accordingly. I do not wear your shoes, underpants or clothes, hence I do not know where any given item is at a particular time. Especially pre caffeine intake. Also please refrain from asking me if something is washed. If is is not in your drawers or wardrobe chances are high that it hasn't been. If the item was not placed in the wash basket, but screwed into a ball and kicked under the bed then I can be 99.9% certain that it didn't get washed.
Dear Ana,
When I ask you to do something or to brush your teeth in time for the transport to school please do so without a huge flappy song and dance. Also flouncing and slamming doors is frowned upon. If I am raising my voice is it because you didn't hear my request the fist 70 times I asked.
Dear Pugpoo,
Screaming is not a recognised form of communication. It does not get you the item of desire any quicker as it just serves to confuse my sleep addled brain. Changing volume, pitch and octave does not help. Also violence will not get your point across any faster. If I couldn't understand what the fuck you were screaming for in the first bloody place headbutting, kicking and bashing the crap out of me does not make things any clearer! I hope this has helped to clear up any confusion on the matters mentioned above and I look forward to ignoring you all hence forth
Because I have clearly missed the memo.
Dear Husband,
You are a big boy now, left home and everything. You're 36 not 6 years old, please act accordingly. I do not wear your shoes, underpants or clothes, hence I do not know where any given item is at a particular time. Especially pre caffeine intake. Also please refrain from asking me if something is washed. If is is not in your drawers or wardrobe chances are high that it hasn't been. If the item was not placed in the wash basket, but screwed into a ball and kicked under the bed then I can be 99.9% certain that it didn't get washed.
Dear Ana,
When I ask you to do something or to brush your teeth in time for the transport to school please do so without a huge flappy song and dance. Also flouncing and slamming doors is frowned upon. If I am raising my voice is it because you didn't hear my request the fist 70 times I asked.
Dear Pugpoo,
Screaming is not a recognised form of communication. It does not get you the item of desire any quicker as it just serves to confuse my sleep addled brain. Changing volume, pitch and octave does not help. Also violence will not get your point across any faster. If I couldn't understand what the fuck you were screaming for in the first bloody place headbutting, kicking and bashing the crap out of me does not make things any clearer! I hope this has helped to clear up any confusion on the matters mentioned above and I look forward to ignoring you all hence forth
Tuesday, 13 November 2007
Why are there never enough toys to go around?
Why are there never enough toys to go around?
Do toy manufactorers do it on purpose? Do they snigger with glee imagining harassed stressed out parents clearly clinging to the edge of sanity rushing about trying to sorce the in thing toy?
Why can't they simply make enough to go around when they can predict that such and such will be the hotest toy this Christams?
AGH!
Ana's latest obsession is Transformers and that is what 99.9% of her Christmas wish list consists of. Now I have not left things to the last minute as I have been looking for these bloody hunks of crappy last all of five minutes pieces of plastic since the end of September.
As sod's law dictates all the of ones Ana has asked for are out of bloody stock everywhere. Including online! I have clicked enough 'e-mail me when this product is in stock' buttons to make your head spin.
But wait? What's this? Praise the lord! Transformers in stock at my local Argos? Can this be true? Are they toying with me? QUICK! Click reserve, click it, click it damn you frozen fingers! *holds reservation number aloft and cackles in a slightly unhinged manner*
Do toy manufactorers do it on purpose? Do they snigger with glee imagining harassed stressed out parents clearly clinging to the edge of sanity rushing about trying to sorce the in thing toy?
Why can't they simply make enough to go around when they can predict that such and such will be the hotest toy this Christams?
AGH!
Ana's latest obsession is Transformers and that is what 99.9% of her Christmas wish list consists of. Now I have not left things to the last minute as I have been looking for these bloody hunks of crappy last all of five minutes pieces of plastic since the end of September.
As sod's law dictates all the of ones Ana has asked for are out of bloody stock everywhere. Including online! I have clicked enough 'e-mail me when this product is in stock' buttons to make your head spin.
But wait? What's this? Praise the lord! Transformers in stock at my local Argos? Can this be true? Are they toying with me? QUICK! Click reserve, click it, click it damn you frozen fingers! *holds reservation number aloft and cackles in a slightly unhinged manner*
For the love of all that is holy, that HURT!
I know that I am a little short sighted, but this is ridiculous!
'LOOK!' Pugpoo squealed as she brought over a little wooden house she was playing with to show me, jamming it right into my defenceless naked eyeball!
As I doubled over in quite literally blinding pain a look of concern flashed across her face. Then she proceeded to bash me in the face with the little wooden house because apparently I still wasn't looking!
Now I have a headache!
'LOOK!' Pugpoo squealed as she brought over a little wooden house she was playing with to show me, jamming it right into my defenceless naked eyeball!
As I doubled over in quite literally blinding pain a look of concern flashed across her face. Then she proceeded to bash me in the face with the little wooden house because apparently I still wasn't looking!
Now I have a headache!
Tuesday, 6 November 2007
Pugpoo and the spider
Pugpoo my youngest daughter saw her first spider the other morning.
We were standing at the front door waving DD1 off to school when a medium sized garden spider dropped down on a thread and then proceeded to crawl along another thread to the corner of the doorframe.
'Wass that?' Asks Pugpoo.
'A spider.' I said.
'Spppppppiiiiiiiiderrrrrr.' Whispers Pugpoo.
'Say bubye spider.' I say waving.
'Bye bye!' Says Pugpoo.
I then shut the door and squashed the bugger !
Today I am glad I have a special needs child
We all know that caring for a child with special needs can be hard and sometimes relentless work and there are those of us that have dark moments when we ask ourselves; why me?
But today I got to thinking about all the great things I have learnt having a special needs child.
I have learnt patience
I have learnt the true meanings of Ignorance, Prejudice, Hostility and Humility
I have learnt to fight for what I believe in not matter what other's may think of me
I have learnt to make myself heard when it really matters
I have learnt to become unselfish and how to put myself on hold so I can give my daughter the support and help she needs
I have learnt to develop a thick skin for myself and my daughter
I have re-learnt to look at the world in innocent wonder
I have learnt to pick my battles carefully, when to pull my daughter up on her behaviour and when to let things that don't really matter slide
I have learnt what my ugly side is like and I have learnt to quell her But most of all I have learnt was true unconditional love is It may be hard and I may not like it at times, but I thank God for giving me Ana and helping me to grow into a better person.
Sunday, 4 November 2007
Halloween meets Fireworks
Being gluttons for punishment or just plain crazy we decided with great wisdom to have a Late Halloween / early Fireworks party for the kiddiewinks.
It was back breaking work getting everything done and the decorations set up and the kids were more interested in the toys in Ana's bedroom then anything else.
Anyway here's what the decorations looked like before the kids and some of the adults got to them.
It was back breaking work getting everything done and the decorations set up and the kids were more interested in the toys in Ana's bedroom then anything else.
Anyway here's what the decorations looked like before the kids and some of the adults got to them.
Saturday, 20 October 2007
At long last!
I have to tell you all my news it makes me happy and angry at the same time.
I received a letter this morning it goes as follows.
Please note that the letter is copied exactly including all spelling and grammatical errors
"Dear Mr and Mrs K *okay so according to the NHS my husband took my name when we got married*
Re Ana
As you know, I attended a meeting about Ana At H M School on the 12th September. *No, I didn't know as both yourself and the school completely failed to notify me that such a meeting was taking place Had I been notified I could have prepared a list of concerns for Ana's specialist to discuss with you, namely the self harming issue we have been asking you to contact us regarding for the past 6 bloody months!*
We have though about her difficulties and wondered if she may have a condition known as autism spectrum disorder. *Why you bunch of wank faced turds, so you have just sat round and suddenly thought about it have you? So the last 7 years of me telling you she has ASD and begging for an appointment you have just thought about this now? So all those times I mentioned ASD and you looked at me with the kind of expression you give and escaped mental patient as you tell me it's highly unlikely have been forgotten have they?* For us to be able to make the diagnosis, it is important that we consult with professionals in school to look at how a child is functioning within shcool, but equally important is to hear you perspective about how Ana functions with you and your family.
To do this, I would like to invite you to see me so that I can conduct and interview with you known as the 3di: dimensional, developmental and diagnostic interview. I can see you next week the 23rd October at 1500hrs."
So there we have it, not only do the NHS employ people that do not proof read their letters they have finally come to their senses and agreed to assess Ana for ASD. After 7 long years of begging!
I received a letter this morning it goes as follows.
Please note that the letter is copied exactly including all spelling and grammatical errors
"Dear Mr and Mrs K *okay so according to the NHS my husband took my name when we got married*
Re Ana
As you know, I attended a meeting about Ana At H M School on the 12th September. *No, I didn't know as both yourself and the school completely failed to notify me that such a meeting was taking place Had I been notified I could have prepared a list of concerns for Ana's specialist to discuss with you, namely the self harming issue we have been asking you to contact us regarding for the past 6 bloody months!*
We have though about her difficulties and wondered if she may have a condition known as autism spectrum disorder. *Why you bunch of wank faced turds, so you have just sat round and suddenly thought about it have you? So the last 7 years of me telling you she has ASD and begging for an appointment you have just thought about this now? So all those times I mentioned ASD and you looked at me with the kind of expression you give and escaped mental patient as you tell me it's highly unlikely have been forgotten have they?* For us to be able to make the diagnosis, it is important that we consult with professionals in school to look at how a child is functioning within shcool, but equally important is to hear you perspective about how Ana functions with you and your family.
To do this, I would like to invite you to see me so that I can conduct and interview with you known as the 3di: dimensional, developmental and diagnostic interview. I can see you next week the 23rd October at 1500hrs."
So there we have it, not only do the NHS employ people that do not proof read their letters they have finally come to their senses and agreed to assess Ana for ASD. After 7 long years of begging!
The World According to Casper (the phobic cockatoo)
Friday 19th October:
Hence forth chili peppers shall be feared and dealt with thusly.
1. Retreat to a safe corner of the cage. Do not, I repeat, DO NOT take your eye off of your food bowl
2. Make yourself look as big as you can while putting as much space between yourself and the rouge pepper as possible. leaning to an almost horizontal position on your perch is acceptable and even highly recommended
3. Scream at said chili in a bid to frighten it off.
4. If the ensuing kerfuffle hasn't alerted the attention of your human slave drop to the floor of the cage and fain death.
Hence forth chili peppers shall be feared and dealt with thusly.
1. Retreat to a safe corner of the cage. Do not, I repeat, DO NOT take your eye off of your food bowl
2. Make yourself look as big as you can while putting as much space between yourself and the rouge pepper as possible. leaning to an almost horizontal position on your perch is acceptable and even highly recommended
3. Scream at said chili in a bid to frighten it off.
4. If the ensuing kerfuffle hasn't alerted the attention of your human slave drop to the floor of the cage and fain death.
Monday, 15 October 2007
Today, I have earned my mummy stripes!
Today, I have truly earned my mummy stripes.
It a huge difference, not to mention a huge learning curve parenting Pugpoo. My eldest daughter has special needs, so most of the mummy milestones were passed later then average and some sadly were never passed.
Today one of those 'you're not a mother until' moments were passed.
Whilst doing the weekly shop in Iceland Pugpoo clapped eyes on a large bumper packet of Jammie Dodgers. Of course there was no peace to be had as Pugpoo fluctuated between ear splitting screams to plaintive 'ere are's until the Jammie Dodgers were nestled neatly in the trolley and another was slowly masticated around in her chops.
We continued in blissful peace and upon finishing queued at till, serenaded by happy munching. That was until it was our turn to unload the shopping, Pugpoo suddenly decided she really didn't like Jammie dodgers and spat the chewed biscuit into my outstretched hand. I kindly woman unloaded my shopping while I attempted to help, one handed while cradling the pre-chewed Dodger.
It a huge difference, not to mention a huge learning curve parenting Pugpoo. My eldest daughter has special needs, so most of the mummy milestones were passed later then average and some sadly were never passed.
Today one of those 'you're not a mother until' moments were passed.
Whilst doing the weekly shop in Iceland Pugpoo clapped eyes on a large bumper packet of Jammie Dodgers. Of course there was no peace to be had as Pugpoo fluctuated between ear splitting screams to plaintive 'ere are's until the Jammie Dodgers were nestled neatly in the trolley and another was slowly masticated around in her chops.
We continued in blissful peace and upon finishing queued at till, serenaded by happy munching. That was until it was our turn to unload the shopping, Pugpoo suddenly decided she really didn't like Jammie dodgers and spat the chewed biscuit into my outstretched hand. I kindly woman unloaded my shopping while I attempted to help, one handed while cradling the pre-chewed Dodger.
Friday, 12 October 2007
Muy Bein
Whilst out shopping today I was pushing Pugpoo around in her pushchair listening to her chuntering away to herself.
After several minutes the words started to become clearer and I almost fainted in the street.
Pugpoo was counting to seven in Spanish!
Now one of Pugpoo's favorite shows is Dora the Explorer. I had no idea that she was actually paying attention to it, let alone learning something.
So for all those parents out there that feel guilty because they sit their children in front of the TV for five minutes of precious peace. You have it from me, TV is educational. I have now started counting to Pugpoo in French and her application to Mensa is in the post!
After several minutes the words started to become clearer and I almost fainted in the street.
Pugpoo was counting to seven in Spanish!
Now one of Pugpoo's favorite shows is Dora the Explorer. I had no idea that she was actually paying attention to it, let alone learning something.
So for all those parents out there that feel guilty because they sit their children in front of the TV for five minutes of precious peace. You have it from me, TV is educational. I have now started counting to Pugpoo in French and her application to Mensa is in the post!
Wednesday, 10 October 2007
Sod’s Law!
My life is governed by sod's law.
Here are a few recent examples;
The rain yesterday, the one day when Mother and Toddlers is on, the only place where you can have a free cup of tea and biscuit while Pugpoo learns that she is not the only being in the universe and there are bigger, uglier kids out there that hit back and it rains!
Birthday present hunting. The one present that my nephew has set is heart on and I have promised his mother upon pain of death that I will get him is completely sold out everywhere. So any readers out there that know where I can get a £9.99 Friction Action Roary Racing Car from, please let me know!
I have a bad back, I'm in a hurry and my daughter is screaming blue bloody murder. Of course that's the perfect time for Sainsbury's to require a rescan on all my shopping.
When lifting Pugpoo out of the trolley into her pushchair I discover she is sopping wet due to leaking out the side of her nappy (well, that explains the blue bloody murder thing from above). Did I bring a change of clothes with me? Did I heck as like, the one day, the one and only day since my daughter existence I have forgotten to take a change of clothes with me and she has an accident.
But wait, salvation! Mothercare has a sale on, I'll just quickly nip in there, buy some cheap trousers in the sale and clean her up. Bollox! There must have been a flipping baby boom during March 2006 because there isn't a single pair of size 18-24 months trousers anywhere in the shop. I have to settle for some grey cord dungarees in the next size up without leg poppers to help ease nappy changes. There's a queue at least two miles long at the till. When I finally get to the front I am told that this till is cash only as the card reader isn't working. This means I have to again, join another two mile queue at the other till.
Now dangerously close to extremely grumpy Pugpoo's nap time we rush off home. Only to be stopped every five minutes by a member of the blue rinse brigade so they can admire Pugpoo's blond curly hair that I have put into cute wee bunches this morning.
Get home needing a therapeutic rant on The Bad Mother's Club Forums only to find that they are down.
At least Pugpoo's rendition of inkle inkle ittle tar cheered me up
Here are a few recent examples;
The rain yesterday, the one day when Mother and Toddlers is on, the only place where you can have a free cup of tea and biscuit while Pugpoo learns that she is not the only being in the universe and there are bigger, uglier kids out there that hit back and it rains!
Birthday present hunting. The one present that my nephew has set is heart on and I have promised his mother upon pain of death that I will get him is completely sold out everywhere. So any readers out there that know where I can get a £9.99 Friction Action Roary Racing Car from, please let me know!
I have a bad back, I'm in a hurry and my daughter is screaming blue bloody murder. Of course that's the perfect time for Sainsbury's to require a rescan on all my shopping.
When lifting Pugpoo out of the trolley into her pushchair I discover she is sopping wet due to leaking out the side of her nappy (well, that explains the blue bloody murder thing from above). Did I bring a change of clothes with me? Did I heck as like, the one day, the one and only day since my daughter existence I have forgotten to take a change of clothes with me and she has an accident.
But wait, salvation! Mothercare has a sale on, I'll just quickly nip in there, buy some cheap trousers in the sale and clean her up. Bollox! There must have been a flipping baby boom during March 2006 because there isn't a single pair of size 18-24 months trousers anywhere in the shop. I have to settle for some grey cord dungarees in the next size up without leg poppers to help ease nappy changes. There's a queue at least two miles long at the till. When I finally get to the front I am told that this till is cash only as the card reader isn't working. This means I have to again, join another two mile queue at the other till.
Now dangerously close to extremely grumpy Pugpoo's nap time we rush off home. Only to be stopped every five minutes by a member of the blue rinse brigade so they can admire Pugpoo's blond curly hair that I have put into cute wee bunches this morning.
Get home needing a therapeutic rant on The Bad Mother's Club Forums only to find that they are down.
At least Pugpoo's rendition of inkle inkle ittle tar cheered me up
Tuesday, 9 October 2007
Men! *rolls eyes*
Women know their children intimately. They know their hopes and dreams, their worries and inner most fears. Men are vaguely aware of little people living in the house. No truer statement has ever been said.
Yesterday I managed to put my back out continuing my run of luck during 'one of those days.' It all started early in the morning, with the lashing rain and steadily gained momentum when our entire bathroom blocked up, the sink, bath and even the toilet. Much to my surprise when I phoned our housing association I was told that the drains men were in our area and would be straight round.
Of course in they came, failing to wipe their feet and as usual Pugpoo was determined to be in the thick of things. With two burly men in our shoebox sized bathroom there was hardly enough room for an exuberant toddler so I attempted to remove her from the situation. As soon as I picked her up Pugpoo threw one of her 'I'm going to go as stiff as a board fits' and I threw my back out trying not to drop her.
But my luck was in because my dear husband had the day off work. Visions of myself laying on the sofa stuffing chocolate and sipping hot coffee while hubby was run ragged by the Pugpooey one quickly danced through my head. But, alas it was not to be.
Apparently looking after you child while your wife is crippled with agonising pain does not constitute a day off work.
So while my darling husband sat on his arse playing on his PSP I struggled on with the housework and looking after a whirling dervish on speed. Every so often he would look up and in a disapproving tone he would tell me to, 'sit down and rest, leave the housework for today.'
You know, your right! Why not leave the housework for today so that there's twice as much for me to do tomorrow? Because you're sure as hell not going to do it! Let's face it here, if I didn't do the washing up, bad back or not, we would quickly run out of clean cups and plates.
Now you wouldn't know it, but apparently child rearing can also be done from the comfort of the sofa, without even the need to look up from your PSP game. Even if your child hurts them self there is no need to rush to there aid, just shout to them to 'Come 'ere!'
Can you believe, I even had the audacity to ask him to feed his daughter a yogurt while he was in the middle of a game? How could I have possibly been so insensitive to his needs? God I'm a bitch!
Yesterday I managed to put my back out continuing my run of luck during 'one of those days.' It all started early in the morning, with the lashing rain and steadily gained momentum when our entire bathroom blocked up, the sink, bath and even the toilet. Much to my surprise when I phoned our housing association I was told that the drains men were in our area and would be straight round.
Of course in they came, failing to wipe their feet and as usual Pugpoo was determined to be in the thick of things. With two burly men in our shoebox sized bathroom there was hardly enough room for an exuberant toddler so I attempted to remove her from the situation. As soon as I picked her up Pugpoo threw one of her 'I'm going to go as stiff as a board fits' and I threw my back out trying not to drop her.
But my luck was in because my dear husband had the day off work. Visions of myself laying on the sofa stuffing chocolate and sipping hot coffee while hubby was run ragged by the Pugpooey one quickly danced through my head. But, alas it was not to be.
Apparently looking after you child while your wife is crippled with agonising pain does not constitute a day off work.
So while my darling husband sat on his arse playing on his PSP I struggled on with the housework and looking after a whirling dervish on speed. Every so often he would look up and in a disapproving tone he would tell me to, 'sit down and rest, leave the housework for today.'
You know, your right! Why not leave the housework for today so that there's twice as much for me to do tomorrow? Because you're sure as hell not going to do it! Let's face it here, if I didn't do the washing up, bad back or not, we would quickly run out of clean cups and plates.
Now you wouldn't know it, but apparently child rearing can also be done from the comfort of the sofa, without even the need to look up from your PSP game. Even if your child hurts them self there is no need to rush to there aid, just shout to them to 'Come 'ere!'
Can you believe, I even had the audacity to ask him to feed his daughter a yogurt while he was in the middle of a game? How could I have possibly been so insensitive to his needs? God I'm a bitch!
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